It’s been 5 1/2 years since my mother passed away.

We had a rocky relationship from the beginning. She was never a big fan of children and I wasn’t too enamoured with adults or authority, so we went our separate ways for a while.

As I got older, our phone calls turned from nagging and fighting to conversations about art, music and our lives. Our occasional coffee dates went from awkward meetings to wandering around art galleries and talking about the future. Turned out we weren’t that different after all.

When I hit my mid ‘20s, we became friends. I started to let her in and she did the same. We had some great times together. We got close.

Then, out of the blue, she got sick.

Complaints of a sore stomach caused my brother to convince her to go to the hospital, but it was too late. Cancer ripped through her body and 5 painful months later she was dead.

It’s a strange, surreal thing to watch your mother take her last breath. Although I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, I’m glad that I was there. We all were. Her parents, her sisters, her brother, her two children and, perhaps most importantly, her soulmate, Doug. She waited for him. He came running through the hospital parking lot at the last minute and we thought he might not make it in time but she refused to take that final breath until he was holding her hand.

They say time is the greatest healer and I suppose it’s true. But losing my mom had a profound effect on my life and some days it feels like it will take all the time in the world. Later in life, I realize the sacrifices she made for me. She did things that made me angry as a kid. Things that stayed with me for years. Looking back from the perspective I have now, I hope I would have the courage to do the same things for my family. But I never told her how I felt. I never took the time to thank her.

So here goes…

Thank you for making me a strong, independent person. You said once that you could put either of your kids anywhere in the world and they would survive. We would (we have) and we both appreciate that.

Thank you for giving me an amazing little brother. He was a real shit as a kid but he’s my best friend now and you’d be really proud of who he is today.

Thank you for giving me an international upbringing. All of that time spent in airports and traveling opened my eyes and made me want to see more of the world.

Thank you for teaching me to read. Not all voyages need to take place in person. I have enjoyed a great deal of adventure through books.

Thank you for being funny and smart. I like to think some of these traits have been passed my way, although it’s possible I’m the only one who finds me hilarious.

Be nice to your parents, folks. Tell them you love them. Losing them is hard regardless of circumstance, but losing them with so much left unsaid is even harder.

With that said…

Mom, I hope that somewhere, somehow, you know how much you mean to me. I miss you more than I could ever say.

xo